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Tuesday, May 3rd, 2016
5:20 pm

I am a Facebook user now.  But it's nice I have all this still. 

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Thursday, August 2nd, 2012
3:45 pm - ahhh
Ok Laura Hoe exists
This seems like a skeleton
but it was cool to read old words
open

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Monday, August 17th, 2009
1:21 pm - ride

went on a Harley ride, mortorcycle ride, my first, except for a few when I was younger, nothing like this, not a chopper. He went way to fast, passed way to much for being on a highway to the coast. In one turn he drug the kick stand. But I loved it, it takes a lot of control to be a biker bitch, you use alot of stomach muscles, I had to really keep my shit together when he drug the kick stand, if I flipped I could of made him wreck. He is someone who has ridden his whole life though, enough miles to have traveled the whole states, so I was safe, sorta, but I asked the universe to let the wind blow out all the negative energy and clean me out. I feel better. and I got to role around on the couch with Bella and love on her, kiss her sweet mouth. make her squeel like a monkey. LOve me HOEM

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Saturday, August 15th, 2009
10:58 am - talking about enternity, somethings got a hold on me
wonderin where the lions are. Clean and sober me for a month and some time. ciggerettes, booze, pot, and coffee, goodbye. Me yeah me.

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Monday, April 6th, 2009
6:27 pm - seems like I'm crazy
My favorite song this week is, I'm 18 with a bullet got my finger on the trigger and I'm gonna pull it. Cant remember the name of the artist. Andy has it on cd. Life is down to not so exactly much. But it is still being lived. I want to dance all night. I have quit smoking pot lately, it is quite a feet. Not sure how that all happened but I am sort of clean. Drank Whisky and puked though. Miss lots of things lately, lately lately. I want a puppy dog. Trying not to think of old smells. Don't know what to think. I fell out of myself today listening to a sappy 70's song. I really wanted to climb out of that day dream and wake up somewhere else. I am not sure where, well I can smell the river there, it is warm like today, I am sitting on a log and my feet are in the water. It smells so mmmm. What to say, I am 18 with a bullet, got my finger obn the trigger and I'm gonna pull it. I haven't been able to dance lately, I need to concentrate on my stomach and close my eyes and know I am a sexy momma and then it comes. I want to swing my skirt around like exotica girl. I want to feel like I am at home again. I want to do lap dances for my man, I like my skirt so much today.

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Tuesday, March 31st, 2009
3:07 pm - nothing
here is something but nothing to look at. Sorry my life is under construction and there are only things to trip over and get fucked up on.

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Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009
1:30 pm - my daughter wrote a paper about me
2/23/09
Peace Activist Interview
When Laura came to work at Sisters of the Road in 2001 as a floor manager, she started with a facet of knowledge in the experience of homelessness and mental illness. My mother, Laura, is a functioning women who suffers from PTSD and social anxiety, common disorders that are not easily addressed or accommodated for in our society. She’s also familiar with the dislocation and dismissal of the homeless in the U.S. because of her own personal experience of living off the streets.
Through Sisters, Laura was given nonviolence training to handle disputes between people on the floor. Her job, as a floor manager, was to accommodate and create community with the volunteers and customers, taking care of the floor along with diffusing conflict situations. Sisters of the Road was founded by co-owners Genny Nelson and Sandy Gooch influenced and based on the Catholic Workers Movement founded in 1933 by Dorothy Day during the great depression. Sisters was created in the support of building a safe place for the everyone, where people with no money could eat good food with dignity. To foster community through nonviolence and love, and enforce simple human rights that have been neglected by society. Genny Nelson highly influenced my mom because of her dedication to the homeless even though she’d never experienced it herself. Genny had the compassion that no person deserves neglect or abuse. Through Boxcar Bertha’s, Genny and Sandy discovered that most of the women who came through the center had experience rape and abuse, and they were exposed to the fact that there was no safe place for the homeless. This was the driving force in creating sisters; to build a public place where everyone feels safe.
Through Sisters, Laura was given a safe environment where she could openly state her needs without feeling judged. She was able to confront her own racism, classism, and sexism, and realized that no matter the trauma she has experience, she would never understand what it’s like to be a black man in a society. She was found an awareness to notice how aggression triggers others, including herself, and by this she was able to advocate for herself and her needs. She understood the anger from a person being triggered, and created a high tolerance for others actions. Laura was influenced by the fact that she was not alone with mental illness, and felt empowered to advocate for others who didn’t have the privilege of nonviolence training to speak up for themselves. Her strategy was to speak as a voice for others without bias, to hear others and not judge that she understood what it’s like in their shoes, and to always admit when she was at fault.
From her experience at Sisters, Laura honed her training to resolve conflict and advocate for others in her everyday life. Laura recounted a confrontation between a security guard and a homeless woman at a Burger King where she and her partner, Will, were eating. The woman came in and ordered a burger with a cup for water, and after paying for the burger, preceded to fill her water cup with soda. The security guard from the moment she walked in was watching her, and when he witnessed her pour the water cup full of soda, the officer yelled at the woman and asked her to leave. The woman started screaming and cussing at the officer, causing him to pull out his baton. By this time Laura had walked in between the woman and officer. Will put his hand on the officer’s shoulder and said to the man, ‘I know this woman is acting out, but this isn’t the right moment.’ Laura then told the women that it’s not safe for her to stay there, and asks her to politely leave with her. The officer yelled that she couldn’t leave with her stolen soda, and Laura set the soda back on the counter and asked for the refund for the woman’s burger. Once the woman went outside, she was screaming and rightfully upset and my mom consoled to the officer that the woman was triggered and acting out, but leaving her alone and letting her blow off steam would leave less room for conflict. The officer took her advice, and the woman finally left. Laura defused the situation by stepping in and speaking up for the woman with a broader insight. She acknowledged the woman was triggered and acting out, however diverted the officer from violence by confronting that his actions were rash.
Laura recounted a second incident when she stood up for a black man on the bus. The man didn’t have money for a ticket and asked for a free ride. The bus driver let him on, and after a few blocks the man started acting aggressive and yelling, and the bus driver stopped the bus and asked the man to get off. The man stated to the bus driver, ‘you’re one of those guys.’ By this time most of the passengers wanted this man off the bus. Laura then decided to intervene and walked up to the bus driver and told him that ‘what I hear this man saying is that you’re kicking him off because he’s black. You’re a white man, and I’m a white woman, and we will never understand what it’s like to be in his shoes. I know he’s acting out, but if you let him get off at his stop this situation will resolve itself.’ The bus driver was calm and without saying anything started driving the bus again. The man got off on his stop, and when my mom left to get off the bus, the bus driver thanked her for helping resolve the situation. The bus driver felt he had done the man a favor by letting him get a free ride, and felt unjustly persecuted when man inferred that he was racist. Laura advocated for the man by admitting he was acting out, but voiced what the man was saying and translating into words the bus driver could relate to.
Laura’s connection to Sisters did not last, and after some time of trying to influence there systemic change she dislocated herself. When Laura was on staff at Sisters, there were 8 formally homeless people on staff, and the last time she volunteered there were only two. When she approached the higher staff about this issue, they became defensive. Laura got in a disagreement with another staff member who felt her experience with child molestation allowed her to understand the plight of homelessness. This angered her. The fact is, in Laura’s view, even though she has experienced discrimination for being a queer woman, it is impossible for her to understand the racism of a black man. Assuming you understand what someone’s been through is a judgment. What is most constructive is to have a tolerance for others actions and resolve that no one deserves to be treated with abuse and discrimination.
Laura believes that there is an inequality with the staff of Sisters and the community they are advocating for. She believes in a simple gandhian theory, that the homeless should lead the homeless, not the privileged lead the homeless. Indeed, the homeless should be leaders in their movement for basic rights, like safety, thus the homeless should be a majority of the staff at Sisters.
In an article, Sharing Power, in Sisters’ Voice Newsletter of May, 2006, Laura spoke out about her experience with mental illness. She believes if we can open up about our own battle with mental disorders, we all relate and realize we are not alone. Laura is a woman who suffers from mental illness, as do a large sum of our population. She used her experience and education of nonviolence to speak up for others who cannot. Laura believes that through nonviolence communication we can break down what divides and persecutes us; racism, sexism, and classism, and begin building respect and community. Instead of seeing a dirty homeless man on the street, we’d see a man name Tom that you could approach with dignity. This starts with people becoming aware of their judgment and learning to appreciate each other for their virtues and faults, to not assume you understand, but instead account what each other has gone through.
Most importantly, Laura’s goal is to end homeless discrimination, for people dealing with mental health issues and drug addictions to be taken off the streets and provided security. She wants to see nonviolence communication adopted in the workplace, schools, and government, building community between our coworkers and superiors, our students and our teachers. For people to not be afraid or judged for admitting what triggers them. She believes that building a system that advocates for everyone, including the mentally disabled, is the most beneficial for the populous. For Laura, if the work force applied nonviolence communication she would be able to get a job, however her social anxiety leads her to feel unsafe because her needs are ignored. Instead she has to live on state funding and social security to get by. If we mended our system, people like Laura, my mom, could be reintegrated back into society as fully functioning individuals.
When my mom started working at Sisters of the Road I was eleven years old. I would come in and volunteer when I was staying with my mom, and she would force me to where her big men’s t-shirts because she didn’t want people to take advantage of me. I remember a few instances where she had to intervene between people who got in a scuffle in line, when she would ask a person politely to stop yelling because it was causing others to feel triggered, when the fire truck drove up because someone had a seizure while waiting in line. I remember how strong my mom held herself in those situations, and it inspired me.
I was introduced to the homeless community by my mom, and met amazing individuals, like Jada Mae Langloss. Jada was a woman with no boundaries, when I met her she had become bossy old grandma with heart. In her time she had campaigned for governor, mayor, and Multnomah County chair in the Preservative Party. She lived in a communal house with me and my mom for some time. Jada died in 2004 from lung complications after living in camp dignity that winter. Through this influence I was handed open insight to the homeless community, and was given the chance to see them as unique individuals, and not by their discriminated vision.
I too am a woman in society that suffers from mental health issues. I too suffer from social anxiety, and am easily triggered. My plight isn’t as obvious as others, but I understand how it is to feel paranoid, insecure, and ashamed. The fact is so many people suffer from a common form of mental illness, and yet it is not accommodated nor acknowledged in our society. People are left on the streets because they can’t function in our competitive economic system.
I believe nonviolence communication not only builds community, it breaks down the walls that segregate us. Violence is never a means of resolving conflict; it’s the selfless ability of a person to step out of their comfort zone to speak out for others who cannot communicate for themselves, to have insight above anger and judgment. If people took a moment to move aside their own personal inflictions to accommodate others, to act on the welfare of another’s behalf, we would have the building blocks for utilizing nonviolence universally.

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Friday, February 20th, 2009
10:32 am - No Bitter
So many reasons to be, but why waste my time feeling it all day long. Why not purge and keep moving. How I don't know, maybe some feel I am there enemy but forget it I refuse to let them be mine, I just see them as someone I may have to manuever around, but i will never hate, no matter how hard it is thrushed into my space. Not sure thrush is the right word, but if you have been reading my journal I am sure you don't need words to aways fit. Lets rewrite the whole fricking language, please. Maybe then our eyes will focus out our ocd will shut up and shit will start flowing. I think it is better that way, maybe your brain is unable to take things to the place they really need to go, so your consiousness must take over. I wrote in my head on my walk this morning, thought to myself if I let it be written now without stopping it I may not be able to recreate it later. But isn't it in the doing that we are really getting the important shit done, if it never finds anothers ears it felt good as I wrote dialogue and entertained myself this morning. But I did see frost on a roof where the sun had not hit yet, water staying on where the sun had just hit. Bulbs pushing through, panseys, shrines amongst a trashed out yard. It was one of those mornings you want to say Hi to everyone, or "goodmornin" I saw a few who were not tracking anything yet and I let them pass. Something about the shrubs as large as houses give me hope, next to the perfectly manicured yard, it felt so nice to see something allowed to get so large and wild. The only thing that made me wince was the assesories from christmas that still lingered, not my favorite holiday, not my favorite decoration, so much forced joy in my corner. If I was the Martha Stewert of homeless people, I would say now these things are good things, the key to turn on a water faucet in the city, a spicket that is out in the open to get water, people who give out booze and ciggeretts on holidays, even the airplane sized ones. For even the most avid non drinker can appreciate a warm belly on the tacky holiday.
For it already flowed and I don't want to talk about much more, hoe later

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Monday, February 16th, 2009
9:05 pm - wish I were a fish
Hah just mispelled fish as fist, not exactly what i want but it's funny. Sometimes I wish I was part fish and I could stay underneath the water in my bathtub as long as I wanted, but I guess its a good thing since I would fall aslpeep in my little embriotic fluid fetal position bliss. But just as much as I like that I also like to watch my soap opera in the company of a good man while taking a bath, hah!

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Saturday, February 14th, 2009
7:46 pm - nobody loves you the way I do

Mellisa singing to me at the grocery store. No body aches just to hold you like I do, tell me does she love you like the way I love you, does she stimulate you attract and captivate, does she miss you existing just to kiss you, like I do. Stupid valentines day, yeah st. valentine was killed like a martyr, the way I always daydreamed I would die as a kid, what a morbid thing I am, I don't know why I use to daydream that, some day I will be a nun in a third world country and I will get raped and killed and thrown in a ditch, oh yeah that will be the life. UGH! I spent the day watching other peoples unruley 2 year olds and felt so blessed all I have to worry about right now is me. phwew! Yeah I miss him, stupid valentines day. Feel alone so I read a teenager book called the breakup bible, it was all right, since I feel like a teenager half the time, I don't know why, I guess when I was suppose to be growing up I was daydreaming about being a martyr and forgot. but I got to watch friday night lights last night, and kept myself so busy this week I only watched my soap twice, oh no what if Jonathan showed up, in the nick of time to save his baby's momma. I think eventually he will show up with his dead wife like ha we are a cliche soap just like them all, and then something stupid will happen and they will disapear for another three years. I am sure they are off focusing on more important gigs, tammy was in a movie I saw, the Virgin, it was awesome, god talks to this women, she is a lush and gets raped by a jock while she is blacked out so she thinks she is having Jesus's baby, very cool movie, she drives around smokes ciggerettes and listens to music, she picks this lady who is in a abusive relationship up sometimes and drives around smoking and drinking and the lady sideways hits on her, I like their relationship. Fuck spelling your in HOE country now. LOVE you hoem

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Wednesday, February 11th, 2009
12:33 pm - sometimes
nothing in our out of me is making any sense to me and I feel as though there is a cobweb between me and the rest of the world, maybe all this is what I need to survive right now, but it is hard. I am having a hard time listening or even being present. But maybe I can watch my silly soap opera today and feel better. I know what a joke. But waiting for Johathan to resurface on Guiding light is what I do, he helps be ok with the fact I like bad boys, he is my bad boy fix. Well bad boys and bad girls, any gender will do. But I feel safer when I know someone can throw down if I need them to, even though I practice non violence. I am safe right now, no need for anymore on that, but I am safe. Life is funny sometimes and life is hard sometimes and I am me. Me here is a good thing, I could of just expired for many reasons this year but I didn't. I begged the psych ward this week, but they don't believe I am crazy so they wouldn't commit me. Better off for me, but a break from my life would be so nice. But probably I would get very triggered in lock up. I almost felt like picking up a newspaper box and throwing it through a windown or something just so the cops would pick me up and I could get off the street. But I am safe now. No arrests no goodbye to me. I am ok. Sometimes, but today I am. Your beautiful, your beautiful it's true. Andres hated that song, but he was the one who would dance with me all night long, he was the one who would tell me he was there for me, only if I was fucking him though. He was a great dancer but I know he doesn't know what real inner beauty is. Love me, I don't know, but want me he did. I know he misses me, how could you not, ego. But I have moved on and I will dance again. I want to dance again, more than I need sex or someone to live with to feel a part of something I want to dance. I love to dance, more than I ever knew. I love me. Iloveyoualso, even if you don't need it or care. Ilove

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Sunday, January 25th, 2009
8:12 pm - broke down cig
mad sad glad, these are the feelings I should address. ok so I'm mad sad fucking glad. I was walking to the store today to get some very fucking needed smokes, I saw a fat envelope in the store parking lot with the name Lexi on it, it snowed today so it was wet, so I touched it and the envelope ripped back and my finger ran across what seemed to be a dildo wraped in a condom. Yeah ew. What the fuck, what I hope was a dildo. I don't know it was grose, don't touch strange things that arnt yours. Who knows?
I was just sitting outside smoking a cigarett that was not fullfilling me, it turned out to be broken so I ripped of the part that was useless and smoke the rest.
Mad sad glad, you know, it's frustrating.
Can't even imagine what any of this shit means, so don't ask me.

Do you know how fucking Hot Mia Kirshner looks this season, sort of broke down and a little chub which makes her look so much more hot to me. I mean exotica girl, dance that fucking school girl dance for me to Lenord Cohen.

I hate lusting after a celebrity. Who the fuck am I, some Oregon girl who can't even run her own fucking life. Oh Mia I think your hot, aren't you so into that, me some mostly homeless broke down girl.

Can't even say what I want.

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Wednesday, August 13th, 2008
6:37 pm - former friends
my offer still stands tell me a story and I will add you back into my friends list. I want something real and juicy. That's the deal. Love, Laura

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Saturday, August 9th, 2008
4:15 pm - gone private
nothing much to say, I have said it, well nothing much to say outside of my own private piece. giving it up alone is not where I am at. It's for me now.

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Wednesday, August 6th, 2008
11:00 pm - love it
laura hoem may not have friends

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10:57 pm - friends
I really don't know anyone on my friends list. maybe I knew you once, but if you want in get on your knee's.

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Friday, July 4th, 2008
7:01 pm - hey
life is pretty good for Laura Hoe, matters what minute you ask, always something to be bugged about, ya know? stupid young caddy christian fuck up girls, and mold. But the stupid young still a teenager drunk boys got scared off by my boss, or something, I don't know what he did, he use to be a cop. I frickin love working for him, he is such an appropriate bully, in some circles, but some of it could rub off on me and I could maybe be closer to balance. Will is around still, we are best friends I guess, best friends that get triggered about what a bad boyfriend he use to be and freak out once and a while. :) Lots to forgive lots I know I don't want to forgive, not yet, not until I got me a knew man or something, or women, who knows what the breeze will brings. House sittin right now, two dogs me cable tv and a hot tub, oh yeah and the computer, I have sort of got right to it when I got here, poor dogs didn't get much attention yet. I am somewhere out there, who knows where and I ain't giving it up. Love you all, the girl on the run to become a woman. HOE

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Sunday, May 25th, 2008
8:33 pm - youd all be so proud of this women
lots has happened no time for back tracking, no specifics, but I am alone without my man child and I am working two jobs. Life is so freaking good after I made it over the I don't want to be frickin alone hump. I don't have the time to tell it. But I alone am so very stoked with my blind steps forward!! Go Hoe, love you, HOE

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Sunday, February 17th, 2008
4:53 pm - bite me beat me love me
suck life, I left finally, valentines day, I bawled my head off for a couple hours in the parking lot as his co workers kept coming out to see if he could go, but he didn't want to, don't get it. He wouldn't even stop for vd. I miss him I know I am crazy, trying to detox from my relationship addiction, I am not homeless yet, I don't know what will happen. Life's a mystery. I still just want to go home, but to what harassment. I want my charles ingles man back, I know how stupid. Later

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Sunday, February 10th, 2008
1:58 am - i giveth and taketh
Lessons come in funny packages, you never know what fucked up thing is going to come and slap you across the face and send you spinning. Finding empathy and peace when you are among very negative forces is a very hard thing. But somehow I have it, It falls away now for minutes, my eyes blink my stomach aches as my jaw clenches, I feel it comeing and then I say to myself nothing was ever accomplished with anger, hate does not make you feel any better. So pregnant crazy girl that lives above me I think daily about how hard it would to be her, how hard her situation is, how much I would love to sit down and listen to her. My man he is the most infuriating, it is so easy to be mad at him, he says whatever he has to in order to get what he wants, he is almost classic, as is I hear what he is going to deflect with before he says it, I have to giggle at him sometimes, better then yelling. Small amounts of serious heart felt talking is happening, but yelling is not so much, he does sometimes, so I get very still and try t listen through it, he is a big (fat right now) baby. everything has come full circle, well I was fat and now I am not I am in better shape then 10 years ago, my last really fucked up break up, (I like to get in shape when all else seems lost) but the size five hottey my man was boning is now as large as I was, he says she is not pregers, I don't know, if she is the speed binging really needs to go. Urgh, I really have no clue except her face looks wide. What does that answer. Oh yeah full circle, my little stimulant man has not got his fill lately and has been compulsively eating and has a fabulous round lovely belly I can rub my face on. mmmmm. :)I have been doing my elephant curls, sit ups, push ups (boy and girls) old Jane Fonda moves I remember, Yoga, walking like crazy. But I have been smoking like a freakin chimney, working on that one, got some additive free tobaco from Wind Rivers Wy., been there done it, but hopefully this will be the can of natural tobaco that will help me quit.
The cheating on my for eight months part really isn't bothering me right now, ok he fucked her, I don't know mostly thats all I wanted was to know, I am not so mad right now, I might of fucked her if I wasn't so gosh dam monogamous. But we do this thing to let out the tension, I like it anyway I make him tell me about fucking her when he fucks me, ok I know how messed up I am, it works though, but I asked him to tell me about the other girls he fucked, come on lets be reasonable there has to be more, so he told me about these girls I suspected he might have cheated on me with and said he fucked then 5-6 times, so that means 20 right? It did nothing like it usually does all of a sudden I was having a panic attack and was loosing it, I was thinking about hurting him and he was on top of me, I acted like I had an orgasm and rolled off, I think he still ended up pulling me down and finishing, I probably zoned out.
I feel better now though, He is a total scumbag, but he at this point is still my scumbag till either we grow or I cant stand fucking myself over anymore. Ya know? The funny part, ok I am sure the sick part is he tells everyone something different,
The one thing though is he said he wouldn't do the drug deals anymore, he is done, he has lived up to that word, but he still puts on this big show that he is trying to leave and do it. So since I have been hanging at his work and helping out (stalking) I watch and see he is leaving, well I told him that if he left with me there so would I, goodbye leave, so just to fuck with everyone I go to the best spot that I can't see anything and I sit and close my eyes, like run baby run, so he acts like he is going to try to leave comes and gets me and then makes me follow him around for a while like I stopped him. It's down right funny to me, if he wants this lifestyle still and if he wants to do this, go have it, it's all yours, he doesn't but does not know how to tell everyone else who wants there shit. Posting online about your mans drug dealing is stupid, I know, I am that far gong I don't care. At this point if he does it and gets caught its his own fucking fault, He says it never happened, she just gives him free drugs cause misery loves company, oh sitting around doing free drugs with a pregnant girl oh yeah well she is just fat, doing all those drugs and she is that fat? She is a compulsive eater, the first day I met her, I was in the kitchen visiting with her brother ryan, she came in and was talking and noticed Will on the porch smoking and I must of said something about him, she was like oh is that your husband, Will? I said yeah he's my man so hands off, I was kidding, I am so psychic. After I said that to her she sat and compulsively ate raw hamburger, she would break a chunk off and sprinkle salt then pepper and stuff it in her mouth over and over, then she started in on the paster as her 5 year old neice did everything she did, then the five year old leans over the garbage can and stuffs her hand down her throat and barfs. It was quite a scene, I can see how she may be fat now, being in a other women situation with an eating disorder. Life is good, life is. What the fuck go out and live for today, cause there ones of us who are giving it all away. Sounds like a fucked up guilt trip. Loveyouhoem

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