laura HOEM (laurahoe) wrote,
laura HOEM
laurahoe

i giveth and taketh

Lessons come in funny packages, you never know what fucked up thing is going to come and slap you across the face and send you spinning. Finding empathy and peace when you are among very negative forces is a very hard thing. But somehow I have it, It falls away now for minutes, my eyes blink my stomach aches as my jaw clenches, I feel it comeing and then I say to myself nothing was ever accomplished with anger, hate does not make you feel any better. So pregnant crazy girl that lives above me I think daily about how hard it would to be her, how hard her situation is, how much I would love to sit down and listen to her. My man he is the most infuriating, it is so easy to be mad at him, he says whatever he has to in order to get what he wants, he is almost classic, as is I hear what he is going to deflect with before he says it, I have to giggle at him sometimes, better then yelling. Small amounts of serious heart felt talking is happening, but yelling is not so much, he does sometimes, so I get very still and try t listen through it, he is a big (fat right now) baby. everything has come full circle, well I was fat and now I am not I am in better shape then 10 years ago, my last really fucked up break up, (I like to get in shape when all else seems lost) but the size five hottey my man was boning is now as large as I was, he says she is not pregers, I don't know, if she is the speed binging really needs to go. Urgh, I really have no clue except her face looks wide. What does that answer. Oh yeah full circle, my little stimulant man has not got his fill lately and has been compulsively eating and has a fabulous round lovely belly I can rub my face on. mmmmm. :)I have been doing my elephant curls, sit ups, push ups (boy and girls) old Jane Fonda moves I remember, Yoga, walking like crazy. But I have been smoking like a freakin chimney, working on that one, got some additive free tobaco from Wind Rivers Wy., been there done it, but hopefully this will be the can of natural tobaco that will help me quit.
The cheating on my for eight months part really isn't bothering me right now, ok he fucked her, I don't know mostly thats all I wanted was to know, I am not so mad right now, I might of fucked her if I wasn't so gosh dam monogamous. But we do this thing to let out the tension, I like it anyway I make him tell me about fucking her when he fucks me, ok I know how messed up I am, it works though, but I asked him to tell me about the other girls he fucked, come on lets be reasonable there has to be more, so he told me about these girls I suspected he might have cheated on me with and said he fucked then 5-6 times, so that means 20 right? It did nothing like it usually does all of a sudden I was having a panic attack and was loosing it, I was thinking about hurting him and he was on top of me, I acted like I had an orgasm and rolled off, I think he still ended up pulling me down and finishing, I probably zoned out.
I feel better now though, He is a total scumbag, but he at this point is still my scumbag till either we grow or I cant stand fucking myself over anymore. Ya know? The funny part, ok I am sure the sick part is he tells everyone something different,
The one thing though is he said he wouldn't do the drug deals anymore, he is done, he has lived up to that word, but he still puts on this big show that he is trying to leave and do it. So since I have been hanging at his work and helping out (stalking) I watch and see he is leaving, well I told him that if he left with me there so would I, goodbye leave, so just to fuck with everyone I go to the best spot that I can't see anything and I sit and close my eyes, like run baby run, so he acts like he is going to try to leave comes and gets me and then makes me follow him around for a while like I stopped him. It's down right funny to me, if he wants this lifestyle still and if he wants to do this, go have it, it's all yours, he doesn't but does not know how to tell everyone else who wants there shit. Posting online about your mans drug dealing is stupid, I know, I am that far gong I don't care. At this point if he does it and gets caught its his own fucking fault, He says it never happened, she just gives him free drugs cause misery loves company, oh sitting around doing free drugs with a pregnant girl oh yeah well she is just fat, doing all those drugs and she is that fat? She is a compulsive eater, the first day I met her, I was in the kitchen visiting with her brother ryan, she came in and was talking and noticed Will on the porch smoking and I must of said something about him, she was like oh is that your husband, Will? I said yeah he's my man so hands off, I was kidding, I am so psychic. After I said that to her she sat and compulsively ate raw hamburger, she would break a chunk off and sprinkle salt then pepper and stuff it in her mouth over and over, then she started in on the paster as her 5 year old neice did everything she did, then the five year old leans over the garbage can and stuffs her hand down her throat and barfs. It was quite a scene, I can see how she may be fat now, being in a other women situation with an eating disorder. Life is good, life is. What the fuck go out and live for today, cause there ones of us who are giving it all away. Sounds like a fucked up guilt trip. Loveyouhoem
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